Stoto: How to handle a relational fight

I begin this post by examining a subject near and dear to everyone's hearts, that of relationships. Inevitably though, you will encounter some sort of conflict and turmoil through which you must navigate. Below, please find a handy list of "Dos" and "Don'ts" when you hit a rough spell.

DO
1. Tell the other person that they are the only one for you. This can be to a girlfriend/boyfriend to try to catch them off guard after a torrent of angry words, or to catch a boss or co-worker off-guard in order to gauge how much they actually care about you vs. your job performance.

2. Tell the other person "Is this the best use of our time?" If the person is rational, they may agree with you that wasting life's hours arguing is a pointless exercise, and defuse the fight. If they are not rational, be prepared to hear such words/phrases as " a**hole", "I can't believe you" or "No, the police will be here shortly".

3. Get really drunk. Most coherent and rational decisions can be made during drinking, especially when combined with the stress of conflict.

4. Ask the other person to list out what exactly is bothering them. By the time they're likely to be done with such a list, enough time will have passed that they'll have forgotten what the original fight was about

DON'T

1. Apologize. It makes you look weak and ineffectual

2. Ask advice. At this point if you can't figure out your own mind, you're better off staying silent and looking intensely at the other person.

3. Ask how the other person feels. It's a complete waste of RNA as well, as if you're going to remember in 24 hours how your sister felt when you drank the last of the apple juice w/o replacing the carton.

4. Stay silent. You need to tell the other person how you feel, preferably in a loud tone. Punctuate each sentence with a swear word or an analogy as well such as " I can't believe you f****** tried to call me at work" or " This is similar to when Spartacus was doing battle with the ancient Roman general Hysperius, and his Lt. Governor...". By convoluting the logic as well as throwing in several intense words, you also the increase the opportunity that the other person will become confused, think your point is valid, or forget what the original argument was about.

Utilizing this simple list can not only transform the way you deal with individuals, but deepen and strengthen your relationships.